Friend You've Been Searching For

It's been a while since I've posted something here. It's been a roller coaster ride since then. For now, I'd like to focus on a particular issue or struggle of mine.

To get to the main point, I struggle of having no real close friend(s). In High School, I had friends. In fact, I had different group of friends. But never really belonged fully with any of them. Or grew "close" to any one of them. Even then, it didn't really matter. Since I've dropped out of HS, I was disconnected with them. I was also socially disconnected with the rest of the physical world. During my gaming years, I communicated with my fingers (typed). There are some people where I did feel that they were my friend... located in some other parts of the world. Even going as far as having a long distance relationship. Looking back now, I was really searching for something... someone.

Since coming out of my hole, I was reconnected with the world. But my social skills has diminished by a lot. It's taking time but it's improving, I would say. And after giving my life to Christ, my Saviour, life has been very social. I do force myself to interact and communicate. But being an introvert, it is a challenge. Especially when I've reached my limit and become socially drained.

Since baptism, I feel something is still missing. And I continue to search for it. It wasn't until the end of Urbana 2012 that I figured out what it is that I was searching for. What I was feeling was loneliness and sadness. Not as far as depression but just longing for something I've never had in my life, ever. I was searching for a friend. Someone I can talk to. Share whatever it is that's in my mind. Good things, bad things, nonsense, jokes, anything. Someone that will listen to me, regardless of how stupid, silly, or wrong I am. Someone that will offer advice to me even if it won't help, but at least they tried. Someone who reminds me to humble myself. Someone who offers comfort when I just don't know what to do anymore. Someone that will encourage and push me to do the things I'm held accountable for. Someone to remind me of my commitments but not bring me down but helps me get there no matter how little it is. Someone who understands me and never stops believing in me. Someone who will love me for who I am, how God created me to be, regardless of my shortcomings, mistakes, and ignorance. And of course, I want to be this kind of friend as well to him/her.

I reach out for each individual that I see that could potentially be this... friend. It starts out as good, but then it dies down pretty quickly. And then I'm always left disappointed. Is it me? Am I too socially awkward? Is my history too scary? Is my testimony too overwhelming? Is it my social status? Sometimes, I feel like I live in a different world from everyone else. I don't know most things people talk about. So I'm left in silence in a group conversation. Then I feel like I don't belong and have absolutely no place in there. Perhaps it's best for me to just walk away slowly, for I have nothing to bring in that table.

During the trip back to Urbana 2012, it just hit me. This friend I'm searching for... does not exist in this world. So no matter who I find here on earth, I will always be disappointed. Yet, this "perfect" close friend I'm looking for, I found Him. His name is Jesus. He's someone I can just talk to. Share whatever's in my mind. Good things and bad things. Nonsense, jokes or anything. He'll listen to me regardless of how stupid or silly or wrong I am. He offers me advice and is always faithful. He reminds me to humble myself. He offers me comfort through all my worries, indecisiveness, doubts, fears and discontent. He encourages me and push me to do things I'm held accountable for. He reminds me of my commitments and helps me get there. He understands me completely and never gives up on me. And He loves me for who I am, regardless of my shortcomings, mistakes, and ignorance.

Knowing that I have a friend like this. I want to be this kind of friend to someone. I can't be a perfect friend and this I now know that nobody can. But I can rely on Jesus, who lives in me, so that I can be that kind of friend to someone. Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ for being the one true friend that will never disappoint me.

This is what it truly means to have a personal relationship with Christ. You may be struggling with something similar. I ask you to let Christ in your life. No matter what you've done, He wants to be part of your life. He's the best of friends you could ever have. And He's just waiting for you to accept Him. Are you still searching for that friend? He's waiting...